Friday, September 28, 2007


In my past life, that is to say while I was doing time at Nortel, there came a confluence of events and situations that contributed to my eventual breakdown. There were seven major things of worry in my life. I have since determined that 7 is the absolute most I can handle, but barely.

It has now come to pass that I’m back up to 5 situations of major importance. I am feeling the strain. Given my burnout I am quite a bit more fragile than I used to be, maybe in the sense more careful and self-aware.

With this awareness comes a cost, which in my case is defence.

Not that I get defensive towards others, indeed I am trying to correct that behaviour, but rather I defend my own emotions. This invariably clouds my heart and what’s right for me. The mechanism whereby this happens in very convoluted, and I’ve spent many a session with my shrink describing how it all works. Maybe I’ll blog this so-called method some time.

My vision of events being unclear, but mostly, the effect on my heart and soul, gets me in a recurring depressive state.

You see, there are so many time/thought slices in a day. If those slices are used up by the worrisome shite, and there are enough of them, then beyond a certain ratio the world looks grim and so I get depressed.

Problem is, the recurring state then becomes a worry in itself, adding to the 5 I’m already carrying.

We’re getting damned close to 7 aren’t we?

This isn’t meant as an excuse not to write or blog, but is an explanation.

As to what those 5 things are, I won’t get into any details, but they are the usual.

2 are related to friendships going to pot, I stated this in a previous blog actually.
1 is family,
1 is money (of course!),
1 is quite personal,
and the last self-inflicted being mentioned above.

Now there are things I can do, and things I must let go. My path now is letting go of the things I can’t do anything about, and be well with myself that I’ve done so.

My shrink quoted a poem, from memory, yesterday. I was singularly impressed, since the stuff I remember is from television, like Burger King or Levi’s commercials…

So as with many, many a blogger who have quoted it, for various reason, I will do the same and leave it here as well, in case the link (click the title) disappears:


As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.

But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do? You never did let go."

- Author: Lauretta P. Burns -


Blogger deathsweep said...

Hi Steve,

Letting go is one of our biggest problems; I know it is mine. I know it's easier once I let go and forget but getting to that point is hard at times. Good to see your words back.


September 30, 2007 3:58 p.m.  
Blogger Steve said...

Thanks DS!

It does take me a stupid-long time to let go of anything of major importance that needs it...

October 01, 2007 10:13 p.m.  
Blogger MedStudentWife said...

Hey there Steve -

DS has posted a couple of blogs these past 2 days. You may get something out of them :)

I can't do much for you - but to let you know you are in my thoughts

October 10, 2007 7:55 p.m.  

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